Audio Essay: At the Mercy of Someone else's Childhood

Most relationship conflict isn't really about what it appears to be about. The argument about the dishes. The silence after criticism. The way they shut down, or escalate, at a specific pitch of tension. That behavior was organized somewhere else. In a house they grew up in, with people who are no longer present — responding to conditions that no longer exist. When it lands on you, it feels personal. It usually isn't. It's old. It's just finding the nearest available surface. Knowing this doesn't make it easier to be on the receiving end. But it does change the question — from why are you doing this to me to where did you learn to do this.