There's a moment in Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice when Elizabeth Bennet firmly tells Lady Catherine de Bourgh, "I am not to be intimidated into anything so wholly unreasonable." Elizabeth doesn't shout, she doesn't crumble, and she doesn't apologize for existing. She simply states her truth with clarity and grace. This scene captures something essential about healthy assertiveness—the ability to honor both yourself and others in the dance of human connection.

Yet for many of us, finding that sweet spot feels like threading a needle in a windstorm. We swing between extremes: either bulldozing through conversations with aggressive demands or dissolving into accommodating puddles, saying yes when we mean no and smiling when we're screaming inside.

Assertiveness sits in what psychologists call the middle path between passive and aggressive communication. It's "the healthy middle ground between venting your anger and holding in your feelings," as recent research describes it. But this isn't just about finding some arbitrary balance—it's about recognizing that our relationships thrive when we can be genuinely ourselves while remaining open to others.

Consider the difference between these three responses to a friend who consistently cancels plans last-minute:

Passive: "Oh, that's totally fine! Don't worry about it at all." (While internally building resentment)

Aggressive: "You always do this! You're so selfish and unreliable!"

Assertive: "I understand things come up, but when you cancel last-minute, it affects my other plans. Can we talk about how to handle this better?"

The assertive response acknowledges both people's experiences without diminishing either. It creates space for dialogue rather than shutting it down or avoiding it entirely.

Research consistently shows that assertiveness isn't just nice to have—it's fundamental to relationship satisfaction and mental health. Studies have identified "significant relationships between assertiveness and self-esteem and between self-esteem and relationship satisfaction." When we practice healthy assertiveness, we're not just improving our communication; we're strengthening our sense of self-worth and, by extension, our capacity for meaningful connection.

Research into couples has found assertiveness to be "an invaluable component in relationship satisfaction." This makes intuitive sense—when partners can express their needs clearly and respond to each other's needs with respect, they create a foundation of trust and understanding.

But the benefits extend beyond romantic relationships. Studies reveal significant relationships between assertiveness and mental health, as well as between "the power of saying no and mental health." Learning to set boundaries isn't selfish; it's essential for psychological well-being.

One of the most challenging aspects of developing assertiveness is accepting that not everyone will appreciate our honesty. In Fyodor Dostoevsky's The Brothers Karamazov, Alyosha Karamazov embodies a different kind of strength—one that comes from gentle persistence in truth-telling, even when it's uncomfortable for others to hear.

When Alyosha confronts his father about his destructive behavior, he doesn't do it with cruelty or superiority. Instead, he speaks from a place of genuine concern, accepting that his father might reject his words while still believing they need to be spoken. This captures something vital about assertive communication: it requires us to value truth and connection over immediate approval.

Many people avoid assertiveness because they fear conflict or rejection. As research notes, "Internalizing your feelings is about anxiety; you learned to fear the reactions of others and avoid conflict." But avoiding conflict doesn't eliminate it—it often intensifies it, creating underground resentments that eventually explode or slowly poison relationships.

Think of assertiveness as the architecture of honest relationships. Just as a building needs both strong foundations and flexible joints to weather storms, relationships need both clear boundaries and openness to change.

Consider the film The Devil Wears Prada, where Andy Sachs initially tries to please everyone and ends up losing herself in the process. Her journey toward assertiveness isn't about becoming harsh or uncaring—it's about learning to honor her own values while still engaging meaningfully with others. When she finally tells Miranda Priestly that she's leaving, she does so with respect but without apology for her choice.

This illustrates a key principle: assertiveness isn't about winning or losing. As research shows, "Being assertive gives us the ability to be true to ourselves, while still being considerate of others." It's about creating space for authentic dialogue where different perspectives can coexist.

Developing assertiveness is like learning a new language—it takes practice and patience with yourself. Here are some approaches that research and real-world experience suggest:

Start with low-stakes situations. Practice expressing preferences about small things—where to eat, what movie to watch, how you'd like to spend your weekend. This builds your assertiveness muscle without the pressure of major confrontations.

Use "I" statements that own your experience. Instead of "You never listen to me," try "I feel unheard when I'm interrupted." This reduces defensiveness and focuses on your experience rather than attacking the other person's character.

Separate the person from the behavior. You can disagree with someone's actions while still caring about them as a person. "I disagree with your decision" is different from "You're wrong."

Practice the power of the pause. You don't have to respond immediately to requests or demands. "Let me think about that and get back to you" is a complete sentence and a powerful boundary.

Validate while still maintaining your position. You can acknowledge someone else's perspective without abandoning your own: "I understand this is important to you, and I also need to consider what works for me."

When we practice healthy assertiveness, we give others permission to do the same. Research indicates that assertiveness "teaches people how to interact with you, and it can help us feel self-expressed, accomplished, mature, and professional." We model what honest, respectful communication looks like.

In Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird, Atticus Finch's quiet assertiveness in the face of social pressure demonstrates how principled communication can influence an entire community, even when the immediate response is hostile. His commitment to speaking truth with dignity, regardless of the social cost, illustrates assertiveness at its most powerful.

This doesn't mean we should expect immediate gratitude for our honesty. Some people may initially resist when we start setting boundaries or expressing our needs more clearly. But over time, most relationships either strengthen through this increased authenticity or naturally fade if they were built on pretense.

Here's something that might surprise you: research shows that "assertiveness skill leads to closer and more intimate relationship with people." Seems backwards, right? How can speaking up sometimes make you closer to people?

It's about trust. When people know they're getting the real you—not some carefully crafted version designed to keep everyone happy—they feel safer being real with you too. Genuine closeness requires some risk. When you're assertive, you risk someone not liking what you have to say, but you also create the possibility for actual connection.

Being assertive isn't about becoming more confrontational or demanding. It's about having the guts to show up as yourself—needs, boundaries, opinions, and care for others all included. It's recognizing that real connection needs honest communication, and honest communication needs you to be both vulnerable and strong.

You're going to mess this up sometimes. There will be moments when you swing too far one way or another—when you're too harsh or when you retreat too quickly. That's normal. The point isn't to be perfect at this—it's to keep getting better at it.

In the end, assertiveness is basically an act of faith. Faith that your relationships are strong enough to handle honesty, that people can grow through real conversations, and that being loved for who you actually are beats being liked for who you pretend to be.

Sources and References

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Eskin, M. (2003). Self-reported assertiveness in Swedish and Turkish adolescents: A cross-cultural comparison. Scandinavian Journal of Psychology, 44(1), 7-12.

Psychology Today. (2024, October 19). Assertiveness: The number one key to managing relationships. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/202006/assertiveness-the-number-one-key-to-managing-relationships

Positive Psychology. (2025, June 27). What is assertiveness in psychology? 5 practical examples. Retrieved from https://positivepsychology.com/assertiveness-psychology/

ResearchGate. (2022, July 31). Assertiveness, self-esteem, and relationship satisfaction. Retrieved from https://www.researchgate.net/publication/362377815_Assertiveness_Self-Esteem_and_Relationship_Satisfaction

ScienceDirect. (2011). Relationships between assertiveness and the power of saying no with mental health among undergraduate students. Procedia - Social and Behavioral Sciences, 30, 2255-2262.

Speed, B. C., Goldstein, B. L., & Goldfried, M. R. (2018). Assertiveness training: A forgotten evidence‐based treatment. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 25(1), e12216.

U.S. National Library of Medicine. (2023). Efficacy of transdiagnostic cognitive-behavioral therapy for assertiveness: A randomized controlled trial. PMC. Retrieved from https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10235435/

U.S. National Library of Medicine. (2023). The effect of problem-solving and assertiveness training on self-esteem and mental health of female adolescents: A randomized clinical trial. PMC. Retrieved from https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10084687/