The Impact of War in the Family System

War's effects are felt by fighters, their loved ones, the societies where conflicts happen, and the broader human systems intertwined with war. To understand how war has shaped your own family, reflect on these questions—thinking back three or four generations, and researching significant events in your family's history if information is limited. Consider:

• Who in your family was involved in or affected by war? Which wars?

• Who saw war come to their homeland, and who died or went missing?

• Were remains never returned, or did anyone survive while others did not, possibly carrying survivor’s guilt?

• Did your family fight on different sides, or were there relationships bridging those divides?

• Was there resistance, avoidance of military service, or participation in war crimes or atrocities?

• Did anyone endure torture, bear guilt or shame, or give orders that harmed others?

• Did your family experience the Holocaust or other genocides, displacement, property loss or gain?

• Were there separations, institutionalization, trauma illnesses, suicides, or instances where the reality of war was silenced?

• Was your experience or your ancestors’ experience overwhelming or left unprocessed?
  

Processing the weight of war may evoke strong emotions or physical sensations. Pay attention to where you feel this in your body—it may signal where trauma is held. Healing begins with acknowledging what happened, accepting the reality, and honoring it. Excluding the dead or traumatized can bring suffering to descendants; remembrance is vital.

War’s trauma often goes unspoken, with returning soldiers hesitant to share and families wanting to protect themselves from painful truths. This silence can pass wounds to future generations as “transgenerational trauma.” Sometimes, ancestors who suffered are quietly mourned, while others show open, unhealed wounds.

Some claim true peace can’t be understood without knowing war. As you examine your family's war history, you may resonate with unresolved pain that still affects current generations, indicating a need for healing. Awareness of your roots brings a sense of grounding and belonging, while ignorance may leave you feeling unsettled.

Wars suppress emotional expression for survival, but unexpressed emotions remain in the body as trauma, passing down the generations until processed. Descendants might not realize they’re carrying these burdens, but exploring family dynamics can offer insights.

This trauma can manifest in many forms—physical, emotional, spiritual, mental, financial, or relationship issues. People might struggle with unexplained anxiety, depression, attachment issues, guilt, shame, or financial hardship. Hypervigilance or insomnia may linger in families, as can the intertwined identities of victim and perpetrator. Sometimes, mental illness arises from silenced family history.

War blurs the lines between victim and perpetrator. Soldiers can be both, and healing may come from recognizing this duality within ourselves. Truly seeing the humanity on both sides, instead of dehumanizing the enemy, may lessen internal suffering.

A personal example: A conversation with a Vietnam veteran showed how PTSD can last decades, worsened when returning soldiers are not welcomed or supported. Social rejection and government neglect can intensify wounds.

Cultivating peace starts within. Peaceful people develop compassion by finding acceptance for their parents, grandparents, and ancestors—acknowledging the full spectrum of victim and perpetrator energy in their own family’s story. This work is crucial for maintaining emotional stability, resilience, and genuine leadership in any aspect of life.