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Being Drawn to the Deceased: A Family Systems Perspective
Feeling “Drawn to the Dead”: What It Means and How to Handle It
DEATHHELLINGERFAMILY SYSTEMSGENERATIONAL TRAUMASYSTEMIC CONSTELLATIONS
8/16/20254 min read
If you’ve ever felt a strong pull toward someone who’s passed away in your family — maybe a sense that you’re carrying something from them — you’re not alone. This feeling can be confusing and even scary, but it doesn’t mean you’re about to die or that something supernatural is happening. Instead, it often shows up because of deep psychological and family dynamics that have a real basis in how we relate to loss, trauma, and family history.
What Does “Drawn to the Dead” Look Like?
People who feel this way might:
Sense a persistent focus on death or mortality.
Struggle with depression, sadness, or feeling stuck in life.
Experience ongoing health problems or habits that don’t serve them well.
Notice repeating patterns in relationships, finances, or behaviors like addiction, compulsive work, or eating disorders.
All these can be clues pointing to unresolved issues tied to your family’s past, such as grief that was never fully processed or trauma that lingers through the generations.
Why Does It Happen? The Family Connection
Families don’t just share genes — they share emotional histories, too. These histories can include losses that weren’t openly mourned, secrets that caused shame or exclusion, or traumatic events passed down quietly. When this happens, it’s common for descendants to unconsciously "take on" some of this pain or identification with lost family members.
This isn’t about ghosts or spirits; it’s more about how our minds and bodies carry emotional wounds. From early childhood, or even during pregnancy, these unresolved family stories can shape how we feel and behave without us realizing it.
Recent science even suggests that trauma can influence gene expression — so some of this “baggage” might be biological as well as emotional.
Signs You Might Be Carrying These Unresolved Issues
Here are some situations or feelings that might signal a connection to unresolved family trauma:
A close relative died young, unexpectedly, or in a traumatic way.
Family secrets around adoption, exclusion, or unacknowledged children.
Sharing symptoms (like illness or mental health struggles) seen in deceased relatives.
Feeling like something or someone important is missing in your life.
Struggling with depression, unexplained sadness, or suicidal thoughts.
Difficulties in relationships or following your personal life path.
Having parents or ancestors with traumatic histories like war, exile, or violence.
If any of this sounds familiar, it’s worth exploring your family story and how it might still be impacting you.
This Isn’t Your Fate — You Can Change It
The important thing to remember is: you don’t have to carry the unresolved pain of family members who have passed. Their fate is theirs. Your job is to live your own life as fully as possible.
But if the losses in your family weren’t properly acknowledged, mourned, or included in the family story — or worse, were hidden — those wounds can “attach” to living family members emotionally. Your task is to recognize this pattern and begin healing it.
What Helps? Acknowledgment and Healing
Healing starts by seeing and naming what was hidden or ignored. This can be through:
Learning your full family history, including the hard parts.
Talking openly about losses and difficult feelings.
Practicing rituals or meaningful ways to honor lost family members.
Therapy approaches that focus on family dynamics and intergenerational trauma.
Finding compassion for both yourself and your family, recognizing that everyone carries their own struggles.
Avoiding these feelings or cutting off your family completely might seem helpful short-term but usually leaves unresolved issues to resurface in other ways.
Moving Forward: Breaking Free from Old Patterns
Carrying family trauma doesn’t mean you’re doomed to repeat it. By consciously addressing these issues, you can separate your own life path from the past’s shadows.
Remember that growth often comes through engagement, not avoidance. Healing family wounds—whether through conversation, ceremony, therapy, or self-reflection—lets you live with more freedom and peace.
If you'd like tips on how to start this process or resources for support, just ask. Understanding this isn’t about blame or mystery; it's about clarity and healing for yourself and the generations that come after.
RESOURCES
Calatrava, M., Martins, M. V., Schweer-Collins, M., Duch-Ceballos, C., & Rodríguez-González, M. (2022). Differentiation of self: A scoping review of Bowen Family Systems Theory's core construct. Clinical Psychology Review, 91, 102101. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2021.102101pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih+1
Dunst, C. J. (2023). Meta-Analyses of the Relationships between Family Systems Practices, Parents’ Psychological Health, and Parenting Quality. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 20(18), 6772. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph20186772pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih
Bronfenbrenner, U. (1979). The Ecology of Human Development: Experiments by Nature and Design. Harvard University Press.pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih
Kerig, P. K. (2019). Parenting and family systems. In: Bornstein, M. H. (Ed.), Handbook of Parenting: Being and Becoming a Parent (3rd ed., Vol 3, pp. 3–35). Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group.pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih
Epstein, N. B., Bishop, D. S., & Levin, S. (1978). The McMaster model of family functioning. Journal of Marriage and Family Counseling, 4(4), 19–31. (See summary at ScienceDirect Topics for Family Systems Theory.) https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/medicine-and-dentistry/family-systems-theorysciencedirect
Allen, S. F., & Henderson, T. L. (2023). Prioritized Functions of Family Systems Over Time. Journal of Family Issues. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0192513X241273111journals.sagepub
These references offer foundations in family systems theory (including Bowen theory and differentiation of self), evidence for intergenerational transmission of trauma, and family-systemic perspectives on mental health.
